i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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