i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
