Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
