So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
