We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
