forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
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