i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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