So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
The beer is more important than you right now.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
