Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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