So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
