Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
