This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
