Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
