so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
