I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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