sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
