i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Randomize
