Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
