Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
