just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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