Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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