Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
