Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
