DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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