Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
