her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
I seem to have left my pride at pride
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I don't �care how much you're grieving �a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.�
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I'm experimenting with sincerity
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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