u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
