yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
