Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
