Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Then you guys just all showered together...?
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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