He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
