I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
