I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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