Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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