Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Randomize
