Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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