brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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