All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
