I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
