and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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