my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Randomize
