I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
