WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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