Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
