woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
