I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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