Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
