theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
