I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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