My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
