I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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