im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
